?

I want to be loved without being seen. I want to enjoy my coffee and cigarettes without knowing the beauty of it. 

I hope you don’t see me. I hope you don’t find what I have to be anymore significant than a dust. Because then and only then, I can stop the fear of becoming myself and then and only then I won’t have to concern myself with who I am or whom I become. I won’t have to question twice what political ideology I stand by. I won’t have to worry about if my poems make any sense. I want to be me, without worrying about what it looks like from outside. It is just that when you inform me that you love me for who I am or that you find what I have to be worthwhile, I can’t help but make myself the prettiest garden for you and it seems to me a soulless transaction. 

I want to drink my coffee solely for the reason that I want to. I want to smoke my cigarettes solely for the high. I don’t want to sit in a cafe because that’s the aesthetic or because of the imagery of myself that I can paint. I want to be able to face the disappointment of a poorly made coffee without having to use my expectations of experience as a judgement metric. If it is a poor coffee, so be it. It shouldn’t defy anything or make me regret the choice of going there.

But I know. I can’t ask for so much.