My mother always told me to love like my life depended on it. For a long time, being under the influence of my own obsession with being an “alpha male,” I have disagreed with this idea. I have always put myself in the position of selfishness and framed myself as someone that is cold, efficient, smart and extremely rational. I have seen successes by being this machine that I thought people were intimidated of. I enjoyed it. There was no better feeling than destroying my opponents and being admired and envied, yet still loved by people. I was self-righteous, somewhat toxic and mysterious, confident and cool – at least I though so.

But by doing this, I seemed to have lost the ability to love. When I met my girlfriend, M, who I had an instant infatuation with, I experienced internal conflict between wanting to do everything for this person and being the same me who never gave and only received. After all, girls love toxic guys, right? People always say that the nice guy finish last, don’t they?

After a closer look into myself and a series of reflections, I have realized that the foundation for my success and confidence was the sacrifice of love. I was so scared to be the one to lose that I always pulled the sword before anything, I never allowed people to have power over me. But somehow, in front of this woman, I was powerless. I was angry, embarrassed, helpless and confused. I was never the sucker, I was never the chaser, I made my own luck and fought for everything I got, I proved to myself again and again that I can get whatever I want. But I realized the limitations in this way of thinking when I found out that I could potentially lose this woman by being the way I have been.

I thought to love someone was to put yourself under, to make yourself of less, to make yourself a pathetic little being that doesn’t deserve your partner’s attention. Stripped of self-respect and dignity, to be seen with sympathy and condescension.

How twisted? How have I even gotten here?

The thing is that the great width of our definition for love makes any kind of debate quite unapproachable. But I believe many men like myself can relate to the mental space I described above. We as men, are told to be strong and responsible, ruthless and one above. However, an encounter of a woman like this works quite well as a reminder as to how immature and incomplete our personal development can be. Change is slow and sometimes a bit daunting, but it’s what positions ourselves to achieve greater happiness.

I have learned that you can still love someone with all your dignity intact. Vulnerability is powerful when it’s paired with honesty not mere emotions. Accepting the risk of getting hurt gives you the ground to love the other person with sincerity. That, I assume, is what people mean when they say love requires learning. I see it as a skill, to be both emotional and rational, to be yourself and your partner’s person at the same time. It’s not about putting masks on, it’s about re-learning yourself through others’ lenses.

And finally, I’m able to comprehend the phrase “love like your life depends on it.” After all, what do we fight for if we don’t even have love left in our corner of the world?